Thursday, March 18, 2010

Oh No, They Have to Remove These Staples!

I don't know how I could have missed this. How could I forget?

I woke up this morning and realized that, at some point, the 4 million staples in my ankle and foot have to be taken out. What's worse, I don't think I'll be under general anesthesia at any point in the near future.

They'll be removed while I'm awake!

Actually, something like what you see below was probably used in both of my surgeries, not Milton's red stapler as seen above. But that doesn't matter. Staples are serious and deadly. It's a proven fact. Google it.

The last time I had incision staples removed, I was under general anesthesia. It was March 1st and it was awesome. I didn't feel anything, and, I didn't die.

Since I'll be awake next time, there's a chance that a.) I'll feel something awful and b.) I'll die. Think I'm over exaggerating? Let me remind you of what my foot and ankle looks like.

I have 16 staples on the top of my zombie foot. I have 3 staples on the left side and 2 on the right side. The 2 on the right are barely containing the skin necrosis explosion in place. One wrong move and that stuff could spread to my face.

That's a total of 21 staples that have to be removed. While I'm awake with the ability to feel pain and hear metal tearing skin.

Meet my enemy, the skin staple remover.

As you can see, he's been specifically designed to kill the patient while the staples are removed from the skin. I'm not making this up! Look at that picture.

My next doctor's appointment is on Tuesday, March 23rd. There's a chance I might be killed during this visit. In fact, there are 21 opportunities due to each staple embedded in my corpse foot.

Dang it! Brooke just did a walk by and look over of what I'm writing. It's one of her classic moves. She says, "you're an idiot." I think she's referring to me. She also says, "most patients feel relieved when skin staples are removed."

Being married to a nurse has yet again been proven to be a good move on my part.


  1. I had about 10 to 12 staples in me for my reconstructive shoulder surgery. There was basically no pain when they removed them (no meds, anesthesia, etc), and all I could think was "Sweet, I can now take my weekly shower again!".


  2. I had about 20 or so for my vertical c-section after having Joshua. I was really I am a big baby like you!!! But really, maybe one of them stung a little, but they came out quickly and painlessly...wish I could say as much for the big baby that caused them...(9lbs 10oz). No worries brother-in-law, you survived the tree, you can handle this. Maybe they'll give you a sucker afterwards!

  3. What a _______!!!! (term I used when you had your vasovagal episode) Dad

  4. Dear Tony:

    Your blog is giving me nightmares, and it's posts like this one that are to blame.

    You think I'm joking? I'm most definitely not. I seriously woke up at 2:30am last night absolutely POSITIVE that my foot had been cut off and sewed back on with crude Frankenstein-style stitches. And the skin below my knee had also been removed and stitched up the back like sexy back seam hose gone wrong.

    Thanks a big fat lot.


  5. Dear Aubrey,

    I apologize about your nightmares. Perhaps I should advise you NOT to continue reading previous posts of my blog.

    My ankle/leg has come a long way. Before it looked like a corpse foot, it looked like a bionic Terminator leg.

    Before that, it looked like a floppy bag of bones.

    We're hoping soon that it'll no longer look like a zombie foot. Maybe when that happens you should start reading the blog.

    You're welcome a big fat lot.