Friday, August 27, 2010

Bear Trap

I mentioned in my last post that I experienced my first public outing with my new hardware on Wednesday. As you might imagine, the dish attracted a significant amount of strange or frightened looks as well as several inquiries as to how I ended up like this.

I always try to be as pleasant and as nice to people as I can, but quite honestly it can get a little repetitive and tiring to tell the same story over and over. And to be fair, most people are just being polite. They don't want to sit around and talk about my stupid recovery for an hour. The story is way too long.

I need a new way of telling the story to people. One that's short, to the point, and easy to repeat without getting old. Or maybe I need a new story altogether.

Chris came up with a great idea, Story #1: The Bear Trap.

This is my favorite suggestion so far. When someone asks me what happened, I can simply shrug and state point blank, "I stepped in a bear trap this morning. What, does it look bad? Do you think I should see someone about it?" It's so simple and to the point. Hopefully people don't think I'm being a jerk. It's all in the delivery.

Another idea is Story #2: My Nephews Got Carried Away with an Erector Set.

This one came to me because the external fixator looks exactly like an erector set. The only thing that makes this story unbelievable is I don't think they make these sets anymore. Legos have been the new hotness for the last several decades. "What happened to your leg?" "Oh, my nephews Jacob and Joshua found my great grandfather's erector set and went to town."

My problem with these stories is that they lack excitement. If I'm going to make something up, why not introduce a little bit of drama and suspense?

Story #3: I Fought a 1,200 lb Grizzly Bear in Montana. And I did it on purpose. I was attempting to tame him to be my pet and servant on a bet. While I suffered this injury to my ankle, I won the bet. I like the Montana part. Makes the story feel rustic and outdoorsy.

I kind of like the idea of fighting wild, insanely strong, vicious animals.

Story #4: I Fought a Rare and Hungry White Siberian Tiger Underwater. I was underwater. I was blindfolded. And I solved a Rubik's cube in record time.

But, now that I think about it, I'm probably going too far with the Rubik's cube part. I have no idea how to solve those things. I usually cheat by moving the colored stickers.

But why limit myself to animals that currently exist?

Story #5: I Was Bucked Off of an Angry Tyrannosaurus Rex. There's a very small chance people might not believe this story. They might roll with it, though, if they think I'm on enough pain pills.

How about, Story #6: I Defeated Godzilla. Curious tourists from Japan would hopefully be very appreciative of me defeating their arch nemesis. To walk away from a fight with Godzilla with only a broken ankle would be a blessing. But then I'd have to answer, "Who provoked the fight?" Obviously, Godzilla is a hot head. He's always starting trouble. Unless he's fighting another huge beast to defend Japan. I've been called a huge beast. On second thought, this idea is terrible.

How about ridiculous ideas that stop all further conversation?

Story #6: I Broke My Ankle While Knitting. This makes no sense to anyone, but who knows, knitting could be dangerous.

Story #7: I Broke My Ankle After Looking at Amy Winehouse. For my parents and family that don't know who this singer is, she used to look a lot better. But, she made some bad decisions and started doing drugs. As you can see, the drugs were a really, really poor idea on her part. I think this might be the most believable made-up story so far.

Story #8: Too Much Facebooking. I'm not actually on Facebook, but everyone else in the world appears to be. Brooke's parents are in town this week with us. Her Mom was on Facebook for a solid two hours last night.

Did you know you can grow a farm on Facebook? Did you know people actually like growing plants on their virtual farm? This is clearly enough evidence to suggest it's very possible to severely break an ankle while Facebooking.

Story #9: I Got My Butt Kicked by Justin Bieber. I don't know much about this seven-year-old singer, but I know enough to understand that you don't want to mess with him. He's a thug and you don't want to get on his bad side. That said, I still follow him on Twitter. What's up, @justinbeiber!

This leads me to my last idea, Story #10: Helped Defeat Global Terrorism. Obviously, my ankle cannot take all of the credit. That's just stupid. Our men and women in uniform rightfully deserve the credit. But maybe when people ask me what happened, I can just say, "I protected America."

Of course, the last thing I want to do is pose as someone who was injured while deployed overseas. So I'll probably switch it up between The Bear Trap and Amy Winehouse.


  1. Hey, how about, "It was just a sprain until I got it caught in the spokes of my wheelchair and that really messed it up!" Oh wait, that was your finger. My bad.

  2. Best. Post. Ever.

    I laughed out loud at least 20 times. That's an average of 2 laughs per ridiculous explanation.

    P.S. Surely those aren't Amy Winehouse's REAL teeth...

    P.P.S. I loved Back to Black.