Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Top 10 Reasons I Love Hospitals

If only I could live in a hospital for the rest of my life. I'm not sure what my favorite part is, but let me see if I can capture some of the best reasons for loving these luxurious hotels of medicine.

The picture in this post is of my loving wife and caring father eating what can only be described as the world's most delicious and best tasting cookie (I could only tell from the powerful aromas and the visually striking sugary textures) in front of a completely starving and 170% hungry surgical patient.

My family's rude and uncalled for behavior leads me to number 10 on my list:

NUMBER 10. -- You're not allowed to eat for at least 12 hours before your surgery.

They say it takes weeks to starve to death. These people are liars.

Unfortunately, with a surgery like this, getting up from the bed to use the restroom is an unpleasant experience to say the least. To compensate for my incredible mobility, the nurses here provide a jar for convenient bedside number ones. What they ask of me goes against an entire lifetime's worth of training to not pee in the bed. To make it even more stressful, nurses have threatened me with a catheter if I become non-compliant. A catheter, for those of you that don't know about modern medical torture practices, is a hollow, flexible tube inserted into body cavities, such as a bladder, to allow the passage of fluids.

This threat was sufficient enough to ensure my total compliance.

NUMBER 9. -- Bedside number ones.

If you enjoy never getting enough sleep, you'll enjoy your three day stay at the hospital.

NUMBER 8. -- Constant sleep interruptions.

In pain? No problem! Just wait here for ever while we debate your need for pain medication.

NUMBER 7. -- Charge nurses that take an hour to decide to give you that extra pain medication your surgeon already ordered for you.

Do you value your freedom to move about in space unrestricted? Neither do I!

NUMBER 6. -- Being connected to an IV, three heartrate monitors, a blood pressure cuff, oxygen to your nose, a pulse oximeter, and an external fixator -- all in bed.

NUMBER 5. -- This probably goes without saying: the gourmet meals and vast menu selection.

Enjoy baring an uncomfortable amount of skin to complete strangers?

NUMBER 4. -- Wearing a gown that ensures a full moon standing.

NUMBER 3. -- Watching television with a remote control that can only increase the channel number. This makes for awesome channel surfing sessions. One time I skipped right past Walker, Texas Ranger starring Chuck Norris. Hopefully Chuck didn't notice.

NUMBER 2. -- No number 2, patient is too busy bedside number one-ing.

And the number one reason I love staying in the hospital is...

NUMBER 1. -- Being on enough pain medication to think it's a good idea to come up with this stupid top ten list and embarrassing myself with detailed comments about bedside number ones.
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1 comment:

  1. I'm SO glad those nurses finally agreed to give you the pain meds. The lowered inhibitions made for one HILARIOUS blog post. :)

    Happy healing, Tony. Hugs from Germanzee.