- Lovenox Injections
- Diazepam 10 MG (Valium)
- Hydromorphone 4 MG (Dilaudid)
- Oxycontin 20 MG
- Glycerin Suppositories
The Lovenox injections help thin my blood to avoid blood clots while I sit on my butt all day. The Valium reduces the number of muscle spasms I experience in my leg. This is especially common in a limb that is both recovering from a nerve block and experiencing atrophy from a lack of muscle movement. The dilaudid is an emergency narcotic that's used to recover from significant and sudden spikes in pain while the oxycontin is a slow release narcotic that lasts around 12 hours.
The last resort -- but ol' reliable -- medication is the bottle of slightly used Suppositories, dedicated to a solitary and lonely life of fighting my evil arch nemesis -- constipation. The Lex Luther of poop.
At first, it was quite surprising to me that Lex Luther didn't even show up on the Bristol Stool Chart. But then it occurred to me -- usually Lex Luther's evil schemes play out without a single soul knowing what went down (except the poor sap that ends up constipated). He does his damage and escapes in the cover of night without notice.
How does one summon the hero necessary to defeat an enemy brought on by excessive use of narcotics? Batman and Robin had the Bat Signal. Captain Planet had the Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, and Heart rings. The Superman of Constipation -- he's got one gigantic suppository.
And I do mean gigantic. That's a pinky finger. Typically, pinky fingers are considered small. Let's be honest -- those people are blind.
Two of the warnings on the suppository bottle frightened me a bit. The first one, "Insert 1 suppository well up into the rectum and retain for 15 minutes," suggests to me that I can't just joke around and leave the suppository sitting at the front door. Apparently, I gotta run this thing all the way into the house and leave it in the kitchen. The second warning, "you may have rectal discomfort or a burning sensation," kind of makes me upset. If there's a chance that this is going to burn, why not tell me about the chances of it being awesome? "You may have rectal discomfort or, you may win the lottery after sticking this suppository up your rectum."
Well, Lex Luther is a formidable foe. I had been battling him since Monday -- and I had lost every single battle. Today I had enough. I called in Superman and, together, we defeated my arch nemesis yet again.
I don't understand how drug addicts get addicted to drugs. You never get to poop!