Saturday, February 20, 2010

Drugmart (or, Why I'm Not at Work)

I'm fairly confident I've been injected with or I've taken orally a large sample of America's best medicines.

I'm taking drugs to combat four key issues: 1) pain, 2) infection, 3) blood clots, and 4) an unnamed problem I'll save for last. I'll explain each in detail below.

Pain control is essential when one has a mashed potato tibia, an adamantium fibula, and a cyborg exoskeleton. Here's my current setup for pain control:
The main difference between the Oxycodone and the Oxycontin is that the former is fast acting. If you have pain now, that's what you take. I'm slowly being weened off of the Oxycontin so that it can be used as an effective weapon during my next surgery.

The Percocet is similar to the Oxycodone. I think it has Tylenol in it as well.

Finally, the Valium is used to mitigate muscle spasms in my leg and ankle.

Valium makes me fall asleep randomly for about 5 seconds. On my flight into Baltimore, I was carrying a drink of water in my hand over my lap. One of my sleep attacks hit me and before I knew it I had an icy cold and soaking wet crotch for the rest of the flight. How funny!

I
nfection is fought with an antibiotic called Cefadroxil. This is to help improve the conditions of my skin around the injury and prepare it for another surgery. Get well soon, skin! Seriously, do it right now.

Blood clots form more frequently with bone fractures. Every morning I get the opportunity to face one of my biggest fears and receive an injection of a drug called Lovenox. Today was my first time to inject myself. It was extremely enjoyable.

I also get to wear a woman's stocking on my left leg, called a "compression stocking." No one has yet explained to me how this helps prevent blood clots. I fear it's simply a long running joke.

Here's a picture of most of the drugs I'm on today. I saved it until now because of some of the ridiculous products sitting in the back. It's now time to explain the fourth and final issue we're fighting: constipation.

Due to the massive amounts of opiates flowing through my veins, my digestive system is moving slower than beltway traffic during rush hour.

My favorite drug is "Super Colon Detox." This isn't your regular, run of the mill colon detox. It's super. And you can tell the manufacturer is a straight shooter by their plain, simple, and direct product name. They're not trying to hide behind some obscure made-up word like Olestra.

Before I finish this post, I need to be exceedingly clear about two of the products you see in that photo. I have not used the saline enema and I have not used the rectal suppositories just above. Though, thanks to the twin pack savings we got, I have not one, but two opportunities to try Fleet's great product.

These tools are a man's last line of defense. Neither one should be brought to the battlefield until all other options have been exhausted.

Until that moment arrives, I've armed myself with prune juice and Miralax.

5 comments:

  1. I just learned that my wife has been covertly putting Miralax in my drinks throughout the day. Note to self: this is an excellent practical joke.

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  2. Flax seed and oatmeal all three meals. That always gets me rolling.

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  3. My friend, you take perserverence through adversity to a whole new level!

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  4. Dude, this is my new favorite blog.

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