I Need a Butt Hero
Welcome to what has become a tradition for my blog. This is my post-surgical constipation post, where I complain about a socially taboo subject: pooping (or the lack thereof). I've written about this problem so often that it has a hero — a butt hero, if you will — and an evil villain counterpart scheming devious plots.
In 2013, as I'll describe below, our patriotic hero has new and sophisticated technology to wield during battle (butt battles?). But, our story's villain, too, has employed a new and unforeseen weapon. Fentanyl. 100 times more potent than morphine.
Epidurals. Good for pain. Bad for traffic.
Will good overcome evil? Will our hero prevail? Will I ever poop again?
Back in 2010, I learned about some extreme measures one must take in order to ensure gastrointestinal health. In fact, after each surgery, I've had to deal with my arch nemesis. As I said, he has a name. In a narcotic fog, my enemy was dubbed Lex Luther. His evil plot?
Traffic jam frustrations?
To permanently block passage through the Tony Turnpike by creating the biggest gastrointestinal traffic jam
the world has I have ever suffered.
The Tony Turnpike, once a finely tuned and efficient thoroughfare for millions of commuters — mostly food trucks — consists of a series of engineered tunnels, overpasses, and, yes, I've stretched this euphemism beyond its breaking point. I knew it a few words into that sentence.
Basically Lex Luther plugged up my turnpike. I was on Fentanyl for a week, followed by IV Dilaudid and oral Percocet. Serious jammage.
My Enemy, Lex.
And, I'm fully aware, I really should have gone with another picture.
The actual mechanism by which something like Fentanyl blocks up your system is well documented. Possible contributing factors from the ingestion of strong opiates include, "increased anal sphincter tone, reduced peristalsis in the small intestine and colon, increased electrolyte and water absorption, and impaired defecation response."
Increased tone isn't something I want to hear right now. Not after taking a look at what the scientists down at Fleet Company have been working on in their secluded laboratories over the last three years.
Yes, Fleet suppositories have now officially blurred the line between actual suppository and, well, let's call a duck a duck, an enema. That's a line I was hoping our hero would never have to cross. A line in the sand that we drew so we could tell ourselves, "at least we never had to do that."
Instructions. Let's take a look at the wonderfully hilarious instructions. First, I just have to say that I really appreciate the collar. Thank you for making sure that I do not accidentally insert the suppository all the way up into my stomach.
Second, your "anatomically correct tip." Who's anatomy are we talking about here that this is an exact match to? You know what, no, we're not going to go any further on this one. This is a family blog.
I like how the instructions make this whole process seem so easy, straightforward, and not uncomfortable or unusual. "Just insert, squeeze, remove, and discard." Put the word, "just," in front of anything and it seems so much easier, nicer, and amenable.
- "Just have a baby."
- "Just save enough for retirement."
- "Just listen to this one Michael Bolton song."
This is not how I'd write these instructions. I'd be more realistic.
"Unique: Okay, look, first of all, let's agree right up front that we won't ever talk about this. Good. Second, this is going to get real awkward, real fast. Third, now this part is really important, so pay attention. TAKE OFF THE CAP FIRST! For the love of God please remove the cap before you do any...inserting. Okay, once you're done, make sure there is a box of Kleenex nearby to wipe away your tears of shame."
Thanks for the heads up, Fleet. But I just want to be clear, this whole operation was forced upon me. I had no other option. I didn't walk into this situation willingly.
The good news is we've yet again defeated Lex. The turnpike was shut down and inoperable for over seven days. We're back open to traffic, but still only operating with only one lane open.