Thursday, October 13, 2011

Ground Hog Day

Have you seen the movie, Groundhog Day? If you haven't, leave right now, run to your nearest Blockbuster, grab a VHS or DVD (if you're lucky, Blockbuster should have one last rental sitting on the shelf in the Awesome Movies aisle), and park yourself on the couch for one of 1993's best comedies.

The premise is simple: a weatherman, played by Bill Murray, finds himself living the same day over and over again.

In many ways, the last two years of my life are taken right out of Groundhog Day. Instead of reliving the same day, I'm stuck in the same year -- over, and over, and over.

As the movie teaches us, reliving this experience is an opportunity -- a gift to learn how to be a better man. You'd think I'd learn. You'd think I'd be a able to handle the daily onslaught of questions from strangers about my ankle a little better.

I'm afraid I've learned nothing.

I usually stick with, "it's a snowboarding accident."

But some people are smart and quickly realize that it's not winter yet. So the questions continue. I average about ten new strangers a day. Each encounter is about a minute. That's over an hour a week of me talking about my stupid ankle.

Look -- I don't mind taking time to tell people how I was an idiot and snowboarded into a tree two years ago. I just occasionally wish these people would organize, form a board and write a charter, and then ask me all of their questions. Their secretary could write it all down and we'd be done. I'd just direct all of the new strangers to the board and have them review the minutes from previous meetings.

My friends have also suggested I get a business card with a link to this blog. That's probably a more practical idea. And not dumb.
An Idiot's Guid to Snowboarding into Trees
I'm always polite and I try to keep it humorous to put the other person at ease. I really want people to feel comfortable and feel free to ask anything. Usually, the conversation starts because the other person is genuinely concerned about my well being. But once the friendly stranger comes to the realization that, yes, the pins and screws are going all the way through the skin, muscle, and bone, things turn and the friendly stranger ends up needing the counseling.

Last year, with the help of some friends, we came up with a list of alternative stories to make the daily grind of addressing the giant thing on my ankle a bit more entertaining.

Surprisingly, to this day, The Bear Trap post is the most visited on my blog. Is this because there are a lot of hunters (I'm assuming they're mostly Canadian) Googling for bear traps but are stumbling across a ridiculous post on the Internet?

No one knows. Probably.

Because I entitled this post, "Groundhog Day," I imagine I'll get a lot of hits from people either looking for the movie or what the holiday is about.

Sorry, dudes -- you're not going to get the answers you were Googling. Learn how to Google. Instead, you're going to get my 2011 list of alternative stories I need to start feeding to people.

10. I Didn't Make the Jump

First of all, from the very moment you hit play, it's obvious I'm not going to make it over the ramp. We didn't plan for enough road to allow my bike to get up to the 88mph needed to successfully clear the ramp.

Second of all, once I get to the edge of the ramp, I know the show's over. My brain should be coordinating a complex series of maneuvers to get me a quick, graceful, and pain-free exit out of the fall.

But instead, the brain uses that jerk tone of voice with me and says, "you got yourself into this, so I hope your face enjoys cement."

Then somehow I severely break my ankle.

9. I Watched an Intense Episode of House

I broke my left ankle just by looking at this creepy picture of House.

8. The University of Stanford Mascot

There are a couple of options here. The obvious one is I broke my ankle when I learned that one of the most prestigious universities in America has a tree as it's mascot.

Another idea is the Tree kicked my butt for making fun of how it routinely shows up in top ten lists for the worst college mascots in America.

Regrettably, I have little room to talk. This is my school's current mascot.

7. Troy and his Lu Lu Lemons

The other day, I was hanging out with my friend, Troy. He was wearing -- what I thought -- were regular eBay or hand-me-down sweat pants. It was a casual Sunday, and I wear either gym shorts or break-away pants all the time.

I'm not one to judge.

But then I found out they were Lu Lu Lemon pants. That changed the whole story. I did some judging and ended up breaking my ankle.

This one needs some work. I don't want to imply that Troy broke my ankle. That wouldn't happen.

6. Bath Crashers

Have you ever seen this show on HGTV? It's freaking awesome! This guy hangs out at Home Depot all day asking random people if he can use their bathroom. Then he surprises you by tearing your bathroom apart and building your dream office-at-home.

I'm not sure how this breaks my ankle. I just think this show rocks.

5. Marital Argument

I lose every time. If I attempt at defending myself over why I left an empty bowl of cereal out in the living room, especially after my wife gets home from a twelve hour shift that ran fourteen hours long, bones get broken.

I'm not even making this one up. She leaves the bruises in places where people won't see them.

She doesn't read this blog. Help me.

4. Complainers

We all work and know people that incessantly whine and complain about everything -- especially little, insignificant things. If you've been around someone like this long enough, you know there's a good chance you're ankle will snap when you slam your foot up his -- sorry, I forget sometimes I've got family reading my blog.

It's easy to break your ankle around a complainer.

Also, if you don't know of anyone that acts like this, then you're probably the whiner in your group of friends.

Stop whining.

When people try to complain to me about a bruise they have on their thigh or a sore wrist, I wonder if they're color blind. And by color blind, I mean I wonder if they're incapable of seeing eight steel pins stuck in my leg surrounded by a bird cage.

3. Las Vegas with my Friends

This is a friend of mine getting a wake-up call from two of my other friends in Las Vegas this summer. And with the way my friends operate, it's a never ending war of escalating pranks.

We've already passed buckets of water. Broken ankles are only a few more pranks away.

2. Rock, Paper, Scissors Accident

First of all, yes, this is real. I haven't quite figured out yet how to break my ankle doing this, but I'm sure if someone threw rock hard enough, it could cause some problems.

Did you know that there's an actual strategy to this game?

Here it is. Now you know how to resolve all arguments by proposing (and subsequently dominating) a rock, paper, scissors game.

1. Air Guitar Melted My Face (and Ankle)

This is also real. It also sounds just as stupid as a rock, paper, scissors league. Back in 2009, a few of us decided to go watch a live regional competition in Washington, D.C. We thought it would be terrible.

It turned out to be AWESOME.

This is C-Diddy. He's retired. But this is what started it all. Some of these guys are so good, they can easily break ankles.


That's my list. Let's see if we can outdo The Bear Trap post. I'll have some updates this weekend of a sweet new custom cane I had made for my Grandmother and myself. You'll be jealous (for about a second or so) that we get to use canes and you do not.

1 comment:

  1. You are one of the funniest people I know, Tony. Posts like this confirm it. I officially agree to move to San Antonio if you, Brooke, and Spunky move there too.